Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
